Penn & Teller: Bullshit!

Holy shit, I'm ready for a fucking breakdown, man. So I spoke with Tiffany over the weekend. On Saturday night, we were up until almost 4am just texting each other. I... confessed everything to her. The dreams I've been having, how beautiful she looks to me, how madly in love I am with her. She was surprised for sure and didn't really know what to think. She was drunk when we were talking, so I figure that's why I had the courage to fess up. But Sunday morning after she sobered up, she said that while she's happy to be my friend, she's not interested in dating me. I fucking expected her to say that but I was still crushed anyway. This happens almost every time I confess my feelings to a girl and yet it still wrecks me every time I get rejected. I feel like I want to cry but I can't. Now I just feel anxiousness and longing when I'm around her. Today, I stopped to peek at her gorgeous chocolate eyes multiple times. We've been texting back and forth since, just small talk and shit, just like friends do, but the pain I feel is immense. But I don't want to stop talking to her. I feel like I need her in my life.

Yeah, I have a girlfriend already. Of five years, no less. But lately I've been feeling that I need to get out. The feeling to escape really started after I fell in love with Tiffany, but I've been pondering our compatibility for a while now. I mean, I love her, but I just don't seem to feel that romantic love feeling I crave. We were never all that lovey dovey at all during the entirety of our relationship. I never felt that vital spark of chemistry. We just spent a lot of time together and then we were comfortable with one another. And now here we are. I don't why I have such an urge to get out. All my urgent needs are met with her: I have a partner, we have open communication so I can talk to her about anything, we do stuff together, we have sex, we support one another. But I'm feeling trapped. I need her for a place to live because I can't afford to live on my own and I don't have a driver's license so I need her to cart my ass around everywhere. It's like if I'm not with her, I'll be fucked up royally. The pressure is overwhelming. And Tiffany... she just stirs up feelings inside of me that I forgot even existed. It's like I want to go on a quest for those feelings again. I know I'm being greedy and selfish and an asshole. This isn't the first time I've gotten the urge to escape a relationship. Whenever I get unbelievably stressed out over something, I get obsessed with leaving my relationship. This is the third time it's happened so far. Ever since I fell in love with Tiffany, each and every day has been filled with anxiety, depression, and utter misery. It's been growing exponentially worse since I confessed my feelings to her, which was a fucking stupid idea by the way. This poor, sweet girl now has to deal with my insane ramblings and utterly psychotic mind. She now knows how fucked up my mind can be and the thought that someone like me is in love with her must scare the shit out of her and make her want to vomit. I feel like maybe I should just be alone forever so that I don't have to subject anyone to who I am and so that I don't ever feel this way again. This is brutal. I hate it. I hate that I'm like this. I hate who I am. But it's all I've ever known and I don't know what it's like to be a well-adjusted adult, so I'm stuck with it. In a way, it's almost comforting, but still terrifying. And I just keep rambling on to poor Tiffany about how I feel and what I'm thinking. I don't why I have the urge to spill my guts about everything I am to her. Maybe that weird love feeling is creating some kind of imagined relationship in my head, which gives me a false sense of security and willingness to share with her. Maybe I feel like if I share with her, she'll begin to appreciate me as a person and maybe fall for me... Yeah, right. See? That's how messed up I am. I was willing to seriously consider leaving a five year relationship over a crush. And I was willing to rationalize it into thinking it would be a good idea. No woman should have to deal with my psychosis. I have no idea why my girlfriend does, although even she is getting frustrated with my bullshit now. I know, you're thinking she's a saint for doing so and that I'm fucking retarded for not wanting to be with her. I dunno, I'm a passionate, romantic man but she's just never brought that out in me. I have no motivation to be like that with her. Plus she can't stand my sense of humour, which is a HUGE part of my personality. We bicker constantly, which just serves to annoy me further. But I can't afford to just up and leave. Not with a new job starting this week. It isn't full time work either, so I wouldn't be able to afford to live on my own anyway. And if I left her, I'd have to quit my super cool jobs and move back with Mom and Dad in the middle of the fucking job graveyard where no living job is to be found. And even though I sound like a heartless monster at this point, I don't want to hurt her or leave her high and dry either. I have no idea how I'm going to have to work through this bullshit, as indecipherable as it is.

My anxiety and depression have been so bad the past couple days that I can barely function. I have no idea how to regulate what I'm feeling and my first instinct is to just shut down and let the anguish wash over and consume me. Just lay down in bed or on the couch and become the dread I feel. I don't want to say that I experience suicidal thoughts, the thought of death is horrifying, but my initial abhorrence to the thought of suicide isn't there. I can see the value in it. Just I would never do it. But I understand why some people might. My anxiety is agonizing and I feel like there's no escape. It's just a matter of time before the next episode hits. I'm losing sleep because the cortisol and norephinephrine coursing through my veins are keeping me up. My stomach feels like it's doing somersaults and my brain won't shut off. I just keep thinking of my relationship and Tiffany and all the what ifs in between. Because my sympathetic nervous system is in constant arousal, I feel no hunger and when I try to stuff something down my throat, I feel sick and like I'm going to vomit it up. Though I'm fat as fuck, so I can afford not to eat for a while. Who knows, maybe I'll get thin and hot. I certainly have the face, eyes, and hair for it. All joking aside, I realize that it is far from healthy. But whatever.

I don't feel like I want to do anything. I have no interest in my usual hobbies besides complaining on here and listening to music with melancholy melodies. I suppose that's a hallmark of a major depressive episode, the loss of interest in normally pleasurable activities. But only one. Though I think it's spilling over into other realms of my life. I did a shit job at work today because I was too anxious and depressed to care. And I feel horrible about that. Those kids deserve a lot better than my nonsense. I don't even want to have a conversation with my girlfriend or family, I just want to be left alone. I feel worthless for the most part and like I said before, I can't sleep. I can't eat, I can't concentrate except on my growing insanity, I have no energy... Though a major depressive episode is only diagnosed if the symptoms last for at least 2 weeks straight. Yes, I know diagnosing yourself is fucking stupid. After all, your own opinions is the most biased of all. Freud used himself as a test subject and diagnosed himself and we all know how his theories ended up. I just want to be able to put a label on what the fuck is wrong with me, so I can at least better quantify it. Ugh, this seriously sucks. I'm a real piece of shit. But I've known that for years and have long since accepted it.

When I was confessing to Tiffany, she seemed perplexed on how I could like her so much. She kept saying that no one should like her because she's a bitch, a cunt, a bad person, and a home-wrecker. I couldn't tell if she was being truthful about how she really feels about herself or if she was trying to convince me to back the fuck off. I want to believe that she was telling me the truth. I want to know why she thinks of herself that way. She's a good person, I've seen the way she acts with the kids at work. She's amazing. She's so happy and carefree-seeming. I wonder what kind of pain she's been through. What she's had to endure in her life, I have no idea. I want to know. Maybe I can help. I'm a good listener. I can't stand to see such a pretty girl say such horrible things about herself. It makes my heart sink. And again, here I am compounding her baggage with my own. Yeah, I'm a real piece of shit.

That's it for now.

- K