I think I have a thing for this chick at my workplace. She is 22 years old and sooooo cute. I've thought she's cute since I started working at the daycare where I'm at now. So March. But I haven't really started noticing her until somewhat recently. About a few weeks ago when I heard, in passing, that her and her boyfriend broke up. Then I started noticing her. Her voice, her hair, her body, her mannerisms, everything. At first it was her tits, of course. They're pretty goddamn big. And perfect. In fact, I spent some time sneaking some peeks down her somewhat low cut shirt when she bent over during my last shift. Yeah yeah, I'm a pig, I don't care. She looks super cuddly. Anyway, it was just physical attraction until today. I had a dream last night where her and I went on some dates and we got close. She said to me "What about your girlfriend?", to which I said "Oh to hell with her!" and then my alarm woke me up. Now I know dreams are more or less meaningless; they're just stories your brain cobbles together when information is broken down, moved, and reorganized during REM sleep so that the random sequences of memories activated somewhat makes sense. But ever since I woke up, I've been thinking about that dream. And about her. And how cute she is. And how I want to take her on a date and cuddle her, stroke her long, brown hair, kiss her cheeks, etc. Y'know, all that touchy-feely garbage that is so characteristic of fedora-wearing neckbeards on the internet.
Which brings me to my next point: even if I were in a position to make a move, which I am NOT, like AT ALL, I highly doubt she would even go for me. I'm not exactly the most attractive person out there and I know it. I'm a big, fat guy. I normally don't care much about my physical appearance, but this time I do. I got a big Randy-like cheeseburger belly, pair of bitch tits (though the term bitch tits is absolutely hilarious so it's not that bad) and a double chin. Years of stress eating have ravaged my body. But I'm eating healthier these days and getting some exercise, so I feel pretty good. Well, better than I did a year or two ago. Aside from the double chin, I do have a nice looking face. Straight teeth, blue eyes, warm smile, thick dirty blond hair. Not too bad. If I were thin, I'm certain I'd be a catch. But as I am now, I'm certainly not a catch. I mean, she's not what most guys would traditionally consider a 10/10, but that's what makes her so perfect. She's tall-ish, great smile, pretty eyes, not too thin, great tits and ass, beautiful long dark brown hair that she usually keeps in a messy bun, even her feet are cute. She's laid back, not bitchy and not hung up on unimportant bullshit like gossip and make-up and reality TV. She's playful, the kids love her, the staff love her. She's just really sweet and pretty and cute and cool. And here I am. Overweight as fuck, a social hermit, obsessed with food and gaming and TV. Just like every other pathetic loser on the internet. I'm like a stereotypical 4chan user, which I spent a lot of time on too. I'm not totally inept, though. I can turn on my charm and manners when I have to. Though I can be awkward as shit. But I am confident in my social skills for the most part. I have good posture, I smile and make eye contact. But I don't think this girl would ever go for me. She's too damn... perfect. Or maybe I'm overthinking that dream I had. Because overthinking is my speciality. She even games! Though from what I've gleaned thus far, she's mostly into shooters which I despise with a passion except for Halo. I have an almost encyclopedic knowledge base of Nintendo trivia and facts, but that level of obsessive dedication would probably just creep her out. And I know next to nothing about any game companies outside of Nintendo-related developers and publishers. I'll have to find out what else she plays the next time I go in. Though I never really know how to start a conversation with a person. Kinda suck at that. Guess I'll Google it.
I also have a girlfriend already. I love her, we have a lot of fun together, and we talk all the time. I'm also kind of relying on her for a place to stay here in the city. She's really laid back and accepting of my many many flaws and I can talk to her about literally anything. We had a conversation about this very dream this morning and she lol'd. She's pretty great, we like a lot of the same stuff, she's pretty (especially her face), she makes me smile just by being in the same room as me. But then there's work chicky that I'm crushing on right now. I swear, I don't think I've crushed on someone this hard since grade 11, which was... like 8 years ago. Like, I want to buy a binder just so I can write her name surrounded by hearts and shit. I don't know, maybe it's because she's new. The girlfriend and I have gotten into a routine lately, so things are kinda the same old same old. I guess the prospect of being with someone new and learning all about what kind of person she is is kind of exciting. Seeing what she's all about, what her hopes and dreams are, what she likes and dislikes, and y'know, havin' sex. But the number one urge I feel to do with her is cuddle and kiss. Heavy breathing, dimly lit room, some real soap opera shit. Sometimes I think about whether or not I'm actually capable of cheating on someone. Well, I did so once but I was like 14 so it doesn't count. On one hand, I feel like I'm very in tune to the emotions of those around me and I find empathy something easy to display. I'm very understanding and I know that being hurt is not a nice feeling. I can certainly feel bad for others, which alters my behaviour. On the other hand, I have VERY poor impulse control, am prone to just blocking my mind off and saying fuck it, and have a shaky moral compass. I'd be the guy to say "oh, just this one time and that's it" and then terrible things happen. I remember my girlfriend saying to me recently that if I ever cheated on her to never ever tell her about it under any circumstances and that I'd have to live with the guilt. But as I said, my moral compass is shaky at best and guilt isn't something that I've ever strongly felt in my life. I'm a smart person who overthinks everything, so I can rationalize just about anything to make it sound okay in my head. But who knows if I would keep the same attitude after something as serious as being with another woman. I'm not sure I'd be able to stop myself from hooking up if the right person and opportunity came along.
I could just become friends with her and maybe hang out, but I'm not sure I'd just leave it at that. Meh, knowing me, I'd be friendzoned immediately. I'm not her type. Probably, anyway. I start a new job next month, so my time at the daycare is going to be much more limited. I suppose I can just wait for this crush to blow over; they always do. But you know, a part of me wishes she could read this and know it's me and that I'm talking about her. I'm curious as to what her reaction might be. Not curious enough to warrant coming at her out of the blue and saying "hey, go to this link I wrote a blog post about u lolol", but I'm sure you have an idea of what I mean. I'd just like to take her out to a nice seafood dinner, walk her home, and give her a hug and a kiss goodnight, as euphoric as that sounds (note: I mean "euphoric" in the internet sense associated with fedora-wearing, borderline autistic, basement-dwelling atheist neckbeard bronies, not the version we use in the real world which denotes a great feeling of joy or ecstasy). The idea of being with this cutie is exciting, scary, intriguing and evokes some interesting feelings that have been dormant for a while. In the event that you do somehow stumble across this blog, hi Tiffany. I think you know exactly who this is. I'll be expecting a stern talking to, possibly a slap in the face followed by a very audible "EWWW!", and disgusted looks for the remainder of my time at the daycare with you.
Peace out, y'all!
- K
P.S.: I downloaded Mega Man Battle Network on Wii U Virtual Console and it is fucking awesome. I can't believe I didn't play this shit when it originally came out on GBA.
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