All right, so I've had a couple of drinks and I'm ready to let loose. I feel like complete shit tonight. And yes, it's about Tiffany. So she added me on Facebook a couple of nights ago and last night, she sent me a message saying that she was bored. I nearly had a fucking heart attack, I was all like "What is this about? What does this mean?" So I played it cool, said something like "Oh yeah? What do you normally do in the evening?" Turns out she meant to send that message to some other dude named Ricky. Wonderful. But she indulged me, we talked for a short while. I asked her some questions about herself, kept the conversation focused on her. The wait time of her responses was a on the scale of minutes, so I assumed she was just humouring me rather than being actually interested in what I had to say. The responses seemed kind of lazy and not thought out. A lot of "wbu?" I loved that I had an opportunity to learn more about her, but it was apparent that she was not into me at all. I ended our conversation kind of strong. And not in a good way. I told her I thought she was a really cool chick and that I looked forward to seeing her the next day. Oh God, I can only imagine how she took that. Of course, I know that if I were in her position, I'd be asking all sorts of questions and have some suspicions, but I do know that I am insane and normal people don't think like me. And I assume she's normal. So anyway, I signed off and slept like shit last night.
I actively avoided her unless necessary today at work. Of course, while admiring her from afar. She's so beautiful, but I'd never tell her that. She never really spoke to me unless it was in passing. Not a good sign. If she liked me, she would seek me out. And the fucking topper is that at the end of the day when I left, I lightly hit her on the shoulder and wished her a good weekend. She gave me a perplexed "You... too?" Yeah, a bit too much. I'm an idiot. Now here comes the interesting part. Today, we had our usual sarcastic back and forth, and she said something like "Your fiancée must adore you." I don't recall actually telling her that I'm engaged. Just to clarify: my girlfriend and I do tell people we're engaged, but it's just for fun. No ring, no plans, just messin' around for the hell of it. We even had a conversation about this girl and she's fine with it. We have an agreement to not interfere with one another's happiness and that if either of us finds someone else, to let things end civilly and on a good note. She even encouraged me to ask her out to see if I like her as a person. Anyway, so Tiffany mentioned that I'm engaged which means she creeped my Facebook profile. This could mean one of two things: either she's keeping track of my relationship status because she's interested in me or that she's telling me that I'm engaged so I should fuck off. My bet is on the second one. She must think that I'm such a creep. If only she would show me some amount of reciprocal romantic interest. But she has over 500 friends on Facebook. Which means she's a popular girl, which means she knows a lot of guys. So she's constantly talking with other dudes who may or may not be interested in her. All of a sudden, I'm looking a lot less attractive. Sure, I'm probably one of the more educated people she knows, but certainly not one of the more attractive. I'm not buff, my career situation is unstable at best, and again, I'm a fat lump of shit. Oh yeah, and I'm not confident. It's like the age-old story of the gross nerd and the hot cheerleader.
As far as she knows. I'm engaged for real, so, assuming she's a person of class, she wants nothing to do with me. If only she knew how badly I want her. I wish I knew how she felt about me. What if she actually really does like me but chooses to stay away because I'm taken? That would be murder. I want her. I just want her. But I'm probably just overcomplicating things. The likely case is that she's just living her life and I'm just that socially awkward, fat guy at work who may or may not like her. She's normal and I'm just psychotic. Sounds about right. Still, I'd like to her out. Tell her how I feel, within reason, and see what happens next. But she'd just disparage me and keep away from me. She'd hate me, think I was insane and needed help, think that I was disgusting for wanting her despite that I'm with someone, and be disgusted because of how much I suck.
Ugh, I need another drink.
That's it for tonight.
- K
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