I'm not up for talking a lot tonight, so I'll give a quick rundown of what happened in the past couple weeks. Girlfriend and I are now broken up, I'm still hopelessly in love with Tiffany. Tiffany came over to hang out last weekend, which was interesting. We made out, she jacked me off a bit, I sucked on her tits. It was amazing. Been thinking about it every day since. But she just wants to be friends, said she felt nothing when we kissed. So I'm kind of broken-hearted right now. I mean, I knew this was going to happen. I get friend-zoned constantly. It just hurts. I keep hoping that she'll come around and I keep getting kicked. Hope just needs to die forever. So I've been an emotional wreck lately. I've been considering cutting myself to ease the pain. I'm sitting here with a knife in hand that I've been dragging across my skin. My shoulders, of course. Not my wrists. Way too noticeable. But shoulder skin is thick and tough to break. I'm not exactly a fan of pain, so I really don't want to have to dig far to get some blood. This sucks.
That's it for now, going off the deep end.
- K
Saturday, 6 September 2014
Monday, 25 August 2014
Penn & Teller: Bullshit!
Holy shit, I'm ready for a fucking breakdown, man. So I spoke with Tiffany over the weekend. On Saturday night, we were up until almost 4am just texting each other. I... confessed everything to her. The dreams I've been having, how beautiful she looks to me, how madly in love I am with her. She was surprised for sure and didn't really know what to think. She was drunk when we were talking, so I figure that's why I had the courage to fess up. But Sunday morning after she sobered up, she said that while she's happy to be my friend, she's not interested in dating me. I fucking expected her to say that but I was still crushed anyway. This happens almost every time I confess my feelings to a girl and yet it still wrecks me every time I get rejected. I feel like I want to cry but I can't. Now I just feel anxiousness and longing when I'm around her. Today, I stopped to peek at her gorgeous chocolate eyes multiple times. We've been texting back and forth since, just small talk and shit, just like friends do, but the pain I feel is immense. But I don't want to stop talking to her. I feel like I need her in my life.
Yeah, I have a girlfriend already. Of five years, no less. But lately I've been feeling that I need to get out. The feeling to escape really started after I fell in love with Tiffany, but I've been pondering our compatibility for a while now. I mean, I love her, but I just don't seem to feel that romantic love feeling I crave. We were never all that lovey dovey at all during the entirety of our relationship. I never felt that vital spark of chemistry. We just spent a lot of time together and then we were comfortable with one another. And now here we are. I don't why I have such an urge to get out. All my urgent needs are met with her: I have a partner, we have open communication so I can talk to her about anything, we do stuff together, we have sex, we support one another. But I'm feeling trapped. I need her for a place to live because I can't afford to live on my own and I don't have a driver's license so I need her to cart my ass around everywhere. It's like if I'm not with her, I'll be fucked up royally. The pressure is overwhelming. And Tiffany... she just stirs up feelings inside of me that I forgot even existed. It's like I want to go on a quest for those feelings again. I know I'm being greedy and selfish and an asshole. This isn't the first time I've gotten the urge to escape a relationship. Whenever I get unbelievably stressed out over something, I get obsessed with leaving my relationship. This is the third time it's happened so far. Ever since I fell in love with Tiffany, each and every day has been filled with anxiety, depression, and utter misery. It's been growing exponentially worse since I confessed my feelings to her, which was a fucking stupid idea by the way. This poor, sweet girl now has to deal with my insane ramblings and utterly psychotic mind. She now knows how fucked up my mind can be and the thought that someone like me is in love with her must scare the shit out of her and make her want to vomit. I feel like maybe I should just be alone forever so that I don't have to subject anyone to who I am and so that I don't ever feel this way again. This is brutal. I hate it. I hate that I'm like this. I hate who I am. But it's all I've ever known and I don't know what it's like to be a well-adjusted adult, so I'm stuck with it. In a way, it's almost comforting, but still terrifying. And I just keep rambling on to poor Tiffany about how I feel and what I'm thinking. I don't why I have the urge to spill my guts about everything I am to her. Maybe that weird love feeling is creating some kind of imagined relationship in my head, which gives me a false sense of security and willingness to share with her. Maybe I feel like if I share with her, she'll begin to appreciate me as a person and maybe fall for me... Yeah, right. See? That's how messed up I am. I was willing to seriously consider leaving a five year relationship over a crush. And I was willing to rationalize it into thinking it would be a good idea. No woman should have to deal with my psychosis. I have no idea why my girlfriend does, although even she is getting frustrated with my bullshit now. I know, you're thinking she's a saint for doing so and that I'm fucking retarded for not wanting to be with her. I dunno, I'm a passionate, romantic man but she's just never brought that out in me. I have no motivation to be like that with her. Plus she can't stand my sense of humour, which is a HUGE part of my personality. We bicker constantly, which just serves to annoy me further. But I can't afford to just up and leave. Not with a new job starting this week. It isn't full time work either, so I wouldn't be able to afford to live on my own anyway. And if I left her, I'd have to quit my super cool jobs and move back with Mom and Dad in the middle of the fucking job graveyard where no living job is to be found. And even though I sound like a heartless monster at this point, I don't want to hurt her or leave her high and dry either. I have no idea how I'm going to have to work through this bullshit, as indecipherable as it is.
My anxiety and depression have been so bad the past couple days that I can barely function. I have no idea how to regulate what I'm feeling and my first instinct is to just shut down and let the anguish wash over and consume me. Just lay down in bed or on the couch and become the dread I feel. I don't want to say that I experience suicidal thoughts, the thought of death is horrifying, but my initial abhorrence to the thought of suicide isn't there. I can see the value in it. Just I would never do it. But I understand why some people might. My anxiety is agonizing and I feel like there's no escape. It's just a matter of time before the next episode hits. I'm losing sleep because the cortisol and norephinephrine coursing through my veins are keeping me up. My stomach feels like it's doing somersaults and my brain won't shut off. I just keep thinking of my relationship and Tiffany and all the what ifs in between. Because my sympathetic nervous system is in constant arousal, I feel no hunger and when I try to stuff something down my throat, I feel sick and like I'm going to vomit it up. Though I'm fat as fuck, so I can afford not to eat for a while. Who knows, maybe I'll get thin and hot. I certainly have the face, eyes, and hair for it. All joking aside, I realize that it is far from healthy. But whatever.
I don't feel like I want to do anything. I have no interest in my usual hobbies besides complaining on here and listening to music with melancholy melodies. I suppose that's a hallmark of a major depressive episode, the loss of interest in normally pleasurable activities. But only one. Though I think it's spilling over into other realms of my life. I did a shit job at work today because I was too anxious and depressed to care. And I feel horrible about that. Those kids deserve a lot better than my nonsense. I don't even want to have a conversation with my girlfriend or family, I just want to be left alone. I feel worthless for the most part and like I said before, I can't sleep. I can't eat, I can't concentrate except on my growing insanity, I have no energy... Though a major depressive episode is only diagnosed if the symptoms last for at least 2 weeks straight. Yes, I know diagnosing yourself is fucking stupid. After all, your own opinions is the most biased of all. Freud used himself as a test subject and diagnosed himself and we all know how his theories ended up. I just want to be able to put a label on what the fuck is wrong with me, so I can at least better quantify it. Ugh, this seriously sucks. I'm a real piece of shit. But I've known that for years and have long since accepted it.
When I was confessing to Tiffany, she seemed perplexed on how I could like her so much. She kept saying that no one should like her because she's a bitch, a cunt, a bad person, and a home-wrecker. I couldn't tell if she was being truthful about how she really feels about herself or if she was trying to convince me to back the fuck off. I want to believe that she was telling me the truth. I want to know why she thinks of herself that way. She's a good person, I've seen the way she acts with the kids at work. She's amazing. She's so happy and carefree-seeming. I wonder what kind of pain she's been through. What she's had to endure in her life, I have no idea. I want to know. Maybe I can help. I'm a good listener. I can't stand to see such a pretty girl say such horrible things about herself. It makes my heart sink. And again, here I am compounding her baggage with my own. Yeah, I'm a real piece of shit.
That's it for now.
- K
Yeah, I have a girlfriend already. Of five years, no less. But lately I've been feeling that I need to get out. The feeling to escape really started after I fell in love with Tiffany, but I've been pondering our compatibility for a while now. I mean, I love her, but I just don't seem to feel that romantic love feeling I crave. We were never all that lovey dovey at all during the entirety of our relationship. I never felt that vital spark of chemistry. We just spent a lot of time together and then we were comfortable with one another. And now here we are. I don't why I have such an urge to get out. All my urgent needs are met with her: I have a partner, we have open communication so I can talk to her about anything, we do stuff together, we have sex, we support one another. But I'm feeling trapped. I need her for a place to live because I can't afford to live on my own and I don't have a driver's license so I need her to cart my ass around everywhere. It's like if I'm not with her, I'll be fucked up royally. The pressure is overwhelming. And Tiffany... she just stirs up feelings inside of me that I forgot even existed. It's like I want to go on a quest for those feelings again. I know I'm being greedy and selfish and an asshole. This isn't the first time I've gotten the urge to escape a relationship. Whenever I get unbelievably stressed out over something, I get obsessed with leaving my relationship. This is the third time it's happened so far. Ever since I fell in love with Tiffany, each and every day has been filled with anxiety, depression, and utter misery. It's been growing exponentially worse since I confessed my feelings to her, which was a fucking stupid idea by the way. This poor, sweet girl now has to deal with my insane ramblings and utterly psychotic mind. She now knows how fucked up my mind can be and the thought that someone like me is in love with her must scare the shit out of her and make her want to vomit. I feel like maybe I should just be alone forever so that I don't have to subject anyone to who I am and so that I don't ever feel this way again. This is brutal. I hate it. I hate that I'm like this. I hate who I am. But it's all I've ever known and I don't know what it's like to be a well-adjusted adult, so I'm stuck with it. In a way, it's almost comforting, but still terrifying. And I just keep rambling on to poor Tiffany about how I feel and what I'm thinking. I don't why I have the urge to spill my guts about everything I am to her. Maybe that weird love feeling is creating some kind of imagined relationship in my head, which gives me a false sense of security and willingness to share with her. Maybe I feel like if I share with her, she'll begin to appreciate me as a person and maybe fall for me... Yeah, right. See? That's how messed up I am. I was willing to seriously consider leaving a five year relationship over a crush. And I was willing to rationalize it into thinking it would be a good idea. No woman should have to deal with my psychosis. I have no idea why my girlfriend does, although even she is getting frustrated with my bullshit now. I know, you're thinking she's a saint for doing so and that I'm fucking retarded for not wanting to be with her. I dunno, I'm a passionate, romantic man but she's just never brought that out in me. I have no motivation to be like that with her. Plus she can't stand my sense of humour, which is a HUGE part of my personality. We bicker constantly, which just serves to annoy me further. But I can't afford to just up and leave. Not with a new job starting this week. It isn't full time work either, so I wouldn't be able to afford to live on my own anyway. And if I left her, I'd have to quit my super cool jobs and move back with Mom and Dad in the middle of the fucking job graveyard where no living job is to be found. And even though I sound like a heartless monster at this point, I don't want to hurt her or leave her high and dry either. I have no idea how I'm going to have to work through this bullshit, as indecipherable as it is.
My anxiety and depression have been so bad the past couple days that I can barely function. I have no idea how to regulate what I'm feeling and my first instinct is to just shut down and let the anguish wash over and consume me. Just lay down in bed or on the couch and become the dread I feel. I don't want to say that I experience suicidal thoughts, the thought of death is horrifying, but my initial abhorrence to the thought of suicide isn't there. I can see the value in it. Just I would never do it. But I understand why some people might. My anxiety is agonizing and I feel like there's no escape. It's just a matter of time before the next episode hits. I'm losing sleep because the cortisol and norephinephrine coursing through my veins are keeping me up. My stomach feels like it's doing somersaults and my brain won't shut off. I just keep thinking of my relationship and Tiffany and all the what ifs in between. Because my sympathetic nervous system is in constant arousal, I feel no hunger and when I try to stuff something down my throat, I feel sick and like I'm going to vomit it up. Though I'm fat as fuck, so I can afford not to eat for a while. Who knows, maybe I'll get thin and hot. I certainly have the face, eyes, and hair for it. All joking aside, I realize that it is far from healthy. But whatever.
I don't feel like I want to do anything. I have no interest in my usual hobbies besides complaining on here and listening to music with melancholy melodies. I suppose that's a hallmark of a major depressive episode, the loss of interest in normally pleasurable activities. But only one. Though I think it's spilling over into other realms of my life. I did a shit job at work today because I was too anxious and depressed to care. And I feel horrible about that. Those kids deserve a lot better than my nonsense. I don't even want to have a conversation with my girlfriend or family, I just want to be left alone. I feel worthless for the most part and like I said before, I can't sleep. I can't eat, I can't concentrate except on my growing insanity, I have no energy... Though a major depressive episode is only diagnosed if the symptoms last for at least 2 weeks straight. Yes, I know diagnosing yourself is fucking stupid. After all, your own opinions is the most biased of all. Freud used himself as a test subject and diagnosed himself and we all know how his theories ended up. I just want to be able to put a label on what the fuck is wrong with me, so I can at least better quantify it. Ugh, this seriously sucks. I'm a real piece of shit. But I've known that for years and have long since accepted it.
When I was confessing to Tiffany, she seemed perplexed on how I could like her so much. She kept saying that no one should like her because she's a bitch, a cunt, a bad person, and a home-wrecker. I couldn't tell if she was being truthful about how she really feels about herself or if she was trying to convince me to back the fuck off. I want to believe that she was telling me the truth. I want to know why she thinks of herself that way. She's a good person, I've seen the way she acts with the kids at work. She's amazing. She's so happy and carefree-seeming. I wonder what kind of pain she's been through. What she's had to endure in her life, I have no idea. I want to know. Maybe I can help. I'm a good listener. I can't stand to see such a pretty girl say such horrible things about herself. It makes my heart sink. And again, here I am compounding her baggage with my own. Yeah, I'm a real piece of shit.
That's it for now.
- K
Friday, 22 August 2014
I hate this shit
All right, so I've had a couple of drinks and I'm ready to let loose. I feel like complete shit tonight. And yes, it's about Tiffany. So she added me on Facebook a couple of nights ago and last night, she sent me a message saying that she was bored. I nearly had a fucking heart attack, I was all like "What is this about? What does this mean?" So I played it cool, said something like "Oh yeah? What do you normally do in the evening?" Turns out she meant to send that message to some other dude named Ricky. Wonderful. But she indulged me, we talked for a short while. I asked her some questions about herself, kept the conversation focused on her. The wait time of her responses was a on the scale of minutes, so I assumed she was just humouring me rather than being actually interested in what I had to say. The responses seemed kind of lazy and not thought out. A lot of "wbu?" I loved that I had an opportunity to learn more about her, but it was apparent that she was not into me at all. I ended our conversation kind of strong. And not in a good way. I told her I thought she was a really cool chick and that I looked forward to seeing her the next day. Oh God, I can only imagine how she took that. Of course, I know that if I were in her position, I'd be asking all sorts of questions and have some suspicions, but I do know that I am insane and normal people don't think like me. And I assume she's normal. So anyway, I signed off and slept like shit last night.
I actively avoided her unless necessary today at work. Of course, while admiring her from afar. She's so beautiful, but I'd never tell her that. She never really spoke to me unless it was in passing. Not a good sign. If she liked me, she would seek me out. And the fucking topper is that at the end of the day when I left, I lightly hit her on the shoulder and wished her a good weekend. She gave me a perplexed "You... too?" Yeah, a bit too much. I'm an idiot. Now here comes the interesting part. Today, we had our usual sarcastic back and forth, and she said something like "Your fiancée must adore you." I don't recall actually telling her that I'm engaged. Just to clarify: my girlfriend and I do tell people we're engaged, but it's just for fun. No ring, no plans, just messin' around for the hell of it. We even had a conversation about this girl and she's fine with it. We have an agreement to not interfere with one another's happiness and that if either of us finds someone else, to let things end civilly and on a good note. She even encouraged me to ask her out to see if I like her as a person. Anyway, so Tiffany mentioned that I'm engaged which means she creeped my Facebook profile. This could mean one of two things: either she's keeping track of my relationship status because she's interested in me or that she's telling me that I'm engaged so I should fuck off. My bet is on the second one. She must think that I'm such a creep. If only she would show me some amount of reciprocal romantic interest. But she has over 500 friends on Facebook. Which means she's a popular girl, which means she knows a lot of guys. So she's constantly talking with other dudes who may or may not be interested in her. All of a sudden, I'm looking a lot less attractive. Sure, I'm probably one of the more educated people she knows, but certainly not one of the more attractive. I'm not buff, my career situation is unstable at best, and again, I'm a fat lump of shit. Oh yeah, and I'm not confident. It's like the age-old story of the gross nerd and the hot cheerleader.
As far as she knows. I'm engaged for real, so, assuming she's a person of class, she wants nothing to do with me. If only she knew how badly I want her. I wish I knew how she felt about me. What if she actually really does like me but chooses to stay away because I'm taken? That would be murder. I want her. I just want her. But I'm probably just overcomplicating things. The likely case is that she's just living her life and I'm just that socially awkward, fat guy at work who may or may not like her. She's normal and I'm just psychotic. Sounds about right. Still, I'd like to her out. Tell her how I feel, within reason, and see what happens next. But she'd just disparage me and keep away from me. She'd hate me, think I was insane and needed help, think that I was disgusting for wanting her despite that I'm with someone, and be disgusted because of how much I suck.
Ugh, I need another drink.
That's it for tonight.
- K
I actively avoided her unless necessary today at work. Of course, while admiring her from afar. She's so beautiful, but I'd never tell her that. She never really spoke to me unless it was in passing. Not a good sign. If she liked me, she would seek me out. And the fucking topper is that at the end of the day when I left, I lightly hit her on the shoulder and wished her a good weekend. She gave me a perplexed "You... too?" Yeah, a bit too much. I'm an idiot. Now here comes the interesting part. Today, we had our usual sarcastic back and forth, and she said something like "Your fiancée must adore you." I don't recall actually telling her that I'm engaged. Just to clarify: my girlfriend and I do tell people we're engaged, but it's just for fun. No ring, no plans, just messin' around for the hell of it. We even had a conversation about this girl and she's fine with it. We have an agreement to not interfere with one another's happiness and that if either of us finds someone else, to let things end civilly and on a good note. She even encouraged me to ask her out to see if I like her as a person. Anyway, so Tiffany mentioned that I'm engaged which means she creeped my Facebook profile. This could mean one of two things: either she's keeping track of my relationship status because she's interested in me or that she's telling me that I'm engaged so I should fuck off. My bet is on the second one. She must think that I'm such a creep. If only she would show me some amount of reciprocal romantic interest. But she has over 500 friends on Facebook. Which means she's a popular girl, which means she knows a lot of guys. So she's constantly talking with other dudes who may or may not be interested in her. All of a sudden, I'm looking a lot less attractive. Sure, I'm probably one of the more educated people she knows, but certainly not one of the more attractive. I'm not buff, my career situation is unstable at best, and again, I'm a fat lump of shit. Oh yeah, and I'm not confident. It's like the age-old story of the gross nerd and the hot cheerleader.
As far as she knows. I'm engaged for real, so, assuming she's a person of class, she wants nothing to do with me. If only she knew how badly I want her. I wish I knew how she felt about me. What if she actually really does like me but chooses to stay away because I'm taken? That would be murder. I want her. I just want her. But I'm probably just overcomplicating things. The likely case is that she's just living her life and I'm just that socially awkward, fat guy at work who may or may not like her. She's normal and I'm just psychotic. Sounds about right. Still, I'd like to her out. Tell her how I feel, within reason, and see what happens next. But she'd just disparage me and keep away from me. She'd hate me, think I was insane and needed help, think that I was disgusting for wanting her despite that I'm with someone, and be disgusted because of how much I suck.
Ugh, I need another drink.
That's it for tonight.
- K
Monday, 18 August 2014
Tired as shit, need to go to bed.
Oh man, remember that chick from work from that other post that I said I was totally in to? Well her and I are getting slightly closer. Like, still just coworkers and nothing more, but we have friendly, sarcastic banter from time to time, occasional conversations about life outside of work, and she even has me doing a couple little things for her. Because of my excellent writing abilities, she's been getting me to do class activity and curriculum notes. I can't tell if she's just taking advantage of me in the same way hot cheerleaders get greasy nerds to do their homework, but I certainly don't make it seem like I'm just itching to do it. I sarcastically roll my eyes for her and say stuff like "you owe me" or "the things I'll do for a pretty face..." She is also interested in me helping her redo her résumé and proofreading her papers for her upcoming ECE course. I learned about her gaming habits and as I suspected, she's a total casual player. Pretty much sticks to Call of Duty, which her ex-boyfriend was obsessed with. Of course he was, he sounds like a twat already. I'm not sure if that's a sign that she's still into him or what. I also learned that she's just a sub there, but she's subbing for someone who's on maternity leave so her position there is full time until that person comes back. She's going to be looking for other work soon. Surprisingly, she doesn't have any post-secondary education, and even more surprisingly, I don't care. She's so sweet and nice and fiery that it makes the education thing irrelevant. Normally I'm pretty elitist about education like an asshole, but I don't care with her. I've given her a breakdown of my education, my thesis, my experience, and my career goals and she seemed pretty impressed. She is impressed with my writing abilities as well. I sure as fuck would hope so, professors have praised me with regards to my writing as well. I get the feeling that I want pursue her, just to see where it goes, but again, I don't think anything would happen. She doesn't initiate conversation all that much and prefers talking to the other staff most of the time, so I'm guessing I'm just one of the girls to her. Plus relationships with people you work with have a track record of going poorly. And I imagine that someone as cute as her gets asked out fairly often. I don't exactly have a lot to offer, either. Fat as all holy hell, socially awkward, oily greasy skin, and am so obsessed with gaming that it borders on creepy as the living fuck. So a typical euphoric neckbeard. I do such silly things to try to get her attention, too. Stupid things that she wouldn't care about anyway. I pick out a nice outfit, matching colours and all, I wear my expensive rimless glasses, I try to limit my time wearing my sunglasses outside so that my striking blue eyes (or so I've been told) remain clearly visible to her, and spend more time than I should in front of the mirror in the morning making sure my hair is just right, either going for just-woke-up look or a brushed back look that is held in place with freezing hair-spray. I know it's futile, stupid, and not enough to overcome my weight, but I do it anyway like a retard.
My girlfriend doesn't really seem to mind my crush and would be willing to even take a break if things with this girl ever progress, not because she's fed up with me but because she's genuinely concerned for my personal happiness. I don't even know what to say about that other than she must be some of saint. I mean, Tiffany and I are never ever going to get together so it shouldn't even be an issue, but I feel like it could happen somehow. I'm delusional. I spent time daydreaming about what kind of person she is, us hanging out, dating, kissing and hugging, etc. It's exactly like that Foul Bachelor Frog image macro that says "Girl sits next to me on bus/Imagine life together." In true fedora-wearing euphoric fashion. She would be soooo creeped out right now and never talk to me again if she read this. I have an obsessive personality, so that probably explains part of this. I need to find a psychiatrist and get into some therapy or something. It almost feels like I've fallen in love or something. Pathetic, that's for angsty high schoolers. I also barely know anything about her and I don't believe in love at first sight. I don't fall in love with every woman who talks to me, but I don't know why this girl is different. I should just be happy for what I have with my girlfriend, because it is pretty great. I shouldn't want something different, something unknown. But maybe that's part of the appeal. She's new and different, exciting. I almost wouldn't mind getting advice on how to handle these feelings, but I'm not comfortable enough to openly ask anyone about it, be it family, relationship therapist, or even those retards on 4chan. I just want to spend more time with this girl. But it's probably a bad idea. I'm not her type. Sure, I don't know her well enough to logically come to that conclusion, but I have enough experience with women in general to know that I'm nobody's type. My current girlfriend is an outlier unlike most women, so she doesn't count. Just like stats, drop the outlier so that your data plot makes more sense.
That's it for now. Tune in next time for ramblings on why I'm not motivated to learn anything new or retain information I learned in school!
- K
My girlfriend doesn't really seem to mind my crush and would be willing to even take a break if things with this girl ever progress, not because she's fed up with me but because she's genuinely concerned for my personal happiness. I don't even know what to say about that other than she must be some of saint. I mean, Tiffany and I are never ever going to get together so it shouldn't even be an issue, but I feel like it could happen somehow. I'm delusional. I spent time daydreaming about what kind of person she is, us hanging out, dating, kissing and hugging, etc. It's exactly like that Foul Bachelor Frog image macro that says "Girl sits next to me on bus/Imagine life together." In true fedora-wearing euphoric fashion. She would be soooo creeped out right now and never talk to me again if she read this. I have an obsessive personality, so that probably explains part of this. I need to find a psychiatrist and get into some therapy or something. It almost feels like I've fallen in love or something. Pathetic, that's for angsty high schoolers. I also barely know anything about her and I don't believe in love at first sight. I don't fall in love with every woman who talks to me, but I don't know why this girl is different. I should just be happy for what I have with my girlfriend, because it is pretty great. I shouldn't want something different, something unknown. But maybe that's part of the appeal. She's new and different, exciting. I almost wouldn't mind getting advice on how to handle these feelings, but I'm not comfortable enough to openly ask anyone about it, be it family, relationship therapist, or even those retards on 4chan. I just want to spend more time with this girl. But it's probably a bad idea. I'm not her type. Sure, I don't know her well enough to logically come to that conclusion, but I have enough experience with women in general to know that I'm nobody's type. My current girlfriend is an outlier unlike most women, so she doesn't count. Just like stats, drop the outlier so that your data plot makes more sense.
That's it for now. Tune in next time for ramblings on why I'm not motivated to learn anything new or retain information I learned in school!
- K
Tuesday, 5 August 2014
Oh shit, I forgot a title
This post is going to be short and sweet. The formatting is going to be fuck and each paragraph will be self-contained and completely unrelated to the others. Call it lazy writing, I don't give a shit. It's not like I'm writing an academic paper or anything. Man, I miss writing papers, though. I'm really good at it. I would constantly get compliments at school on my excellent writing and research skills. I'd love to research and write papers for a living but alas, it's a tough industry to get into. The competition is fierce, the jobs are limited, and everyone else has more experience. I got almost kind of close for being considered for a job in Toronto as a lab manager for a psych lab run by the University of Toronto. The leading professor sent me a response to an application I sent in, wanting me to answer some questions regarding my experience and have some letters of reference sent in. That was back in May. I think it's safe to assume I didn't get the job. What a pain. Truth to be told, I should go out and get my Masters in Experimental Psychology. But that costs a lot of money, requires far away travel, and there's no guarantee of a job following graduation. I mean, I could DO it. Hell, I could probably take it the PhD level with no problem. But like I said, money, travel, tough market... Plus I'm lazy as shit and haven't an ounce of professionalism in my body. But I'm intelligent. Somewhat. And that's all that matters.
Remember a few posts ago when I bragged about never getting sick? Yeah, scratch that. I've been getting sick quite often in recent months and I think it's from the daycare where I work. There's always at least couple kids who have some sort of bug. In fact, I'm sick right now. Sore throat, listlessness, and general malaise. I know it doesn't sound like much, but I'm not used to being sick. I can't deal with even the smallest illness. And the goddamn heat is not making it any easier. Fuck these 30 degree temperatures and fuck this humidity. Why can't the temperature be a constant 15 degrees all year round? That would be heaven. But yeah, getting sick all the time sucks Santa's holly jolly ballsack. I need to start taking multivitamins or something. Mom suggested Centrum. We'll see.
So a couple hours after work, I took an hour long nap. Then I woke up and took another one for an hour. Two hours of naps and I am still so tired. Can't go to bed yet, though. Girlfriend gets off of work soon and we gotta watch Major Crimes before bed. Plus I need something to eat; I never had supper yet despite it being close to 11pm as of this sentence. Tomorrow I need to head across the city to pass in some paperwork for my new job that starts next month.
Didn't get around to playing Mega Man Battle Network the past couple days. My motivation for gaming hasn't been high lately. Though my motivation for expanding my gaming collection has been on the rise. A couple weeks ago, I picked up a Game Boy Micro through Kijiji and I fucking love that thing. Definitely my preferred way to play GBA games. It's so tiny and so cute!! There's just a couple Game Boy models that I'm missing now: Game Boy Pocket, Game Boy Light (JP only), and Game Boy Advance SP model 101 (the one with the backlight, not the frontlight). I've been expanding my tiny ass game collection, too, through Kijiji and a retro game shop across the harbour. This week I picked up Donkey Kong Land 3 for $20, which is a retarded price, but I had to have it. They have tons of cool shit that I want, not just Game Boy stuff. Famicom and Super Famicom games, Sega Saturn and Dreamcast stuff, and PlayStation games. They have Star Ocean: Till the End of Time, which I really want as I had it when I was a teenager and fucking loved it. That's $35. And they have Dirge of Cerberus: Final Fantasy VII for $20. I played the shit out of FFVII on PS1 when I was a teenager and I just finished a replay on Steam and I want more FFVII. I watched Advent Children again afterwards and I want to play some of the other games from the Compilation. Crisis Core would be cool to play, but I don't have a PSP. My brother does, but the UMD slot is busted. I'd love to play Before Crisis, but that was a Japanese only mobile game that will never come to the West. Maybe I'll watch Last Order to tide me over until I can get my hands on Dirge of Cerberus. I'm going home this weekend, so I'll pick up my PS2 while I'm there. I wish I had home theatre console so that I run those analog signals into my digital-only HDTV. My living room TV doesn't have composite ports. If I had a home theatre console thing, I could run composite cables from my older game consoles into the input and then output using an HDMI cable to my TV. My dad said he'd try to get one for me, so we'll see how that turn out.
Well, that's all I wanted to talk about tonight. I need to find Major Crimes and make pizza pops in the microwave.
- K
Remember a few posts ago when I bragged about never getting sick? Yeah, scratch that. I've been getting sick quite often in recent months and I think it's from the daycare where I work. There's always at least couple kids who have some sort of bug. In fact, I'm sick right now. Sore throat, listlessness, and general malaise. I know it doesn't sound like much, but I'm not used to being sick. I can't deal with even the smallest illness. And the goddamn heat is not making it any easier. Fuck these 30 degree temperatures and fuck this humidity. Why can't the temperature be a constant 15 degrees all year round? That would be heaven. But yeah, getting sick all the time sucks Santa's holly jolly ballsack. I need to start taking multivitamins or something. Mom suggested Centrum. We'll see.
So a couple hours after work, I took an hour long nap. Then I woke up and took another one for an hour. Two hours of naps and I am still so tired. Can't go to bed yet, though. Girlfriend gets off of work soon and we gotta watch Major Crimes before bed. Plus I need something to eat; I never had supper yet despite it being close to 11pm as of this sentence. Tomorrow I need to head across the city to pass in some paperwork for my new job that starts next month.
Didn't get around to playing Mega Man Battle Network the past couple days. My motivation for gaming hasn't been high lately. Though my motivation for expanding my gaming collection has been on the rise. A couple weeks ago, I picked up a Game Boy Micro through Kijiji and I fucking love that thing. Definitely my preferred way to play GBA games. It's so tiny and so cute!! There's just a couple Game Boy models that I'm missing now: Game Boy Pocket, Game Boy Light (JP only), and Game Boy Advance SP model 101 (the one with the backlight, not the frontlight). I've been expanding my tiny ass game collection, too, through Kijiji and a retro game shop across the harbour. This week I picked up Donkey Kong Land 3 for $20, which is a retarded price, but I had to have it. They have tons of cool shit that I want, not just Game Boy stuff. Famicom and Super Famicom games, Sega Saturn and Dreamcast stuff, and PlayStation games. They have Star Ocean: Till the End of Time, which I really want as I had it when I was a teenager and fucking loved it. That's $35. And they have Dirge of Cerberus: Final Fantasy VII for $20. I played the shit out of FFVII on PS1 when I was a teenager and I just finished a replay on Steam and I want more FFVII. I watched Advent Children again afterwards and I want to play some of the other games from the Compilation. Crisis Core would be cool to play, but I don't have a PSP. My brother does, but the UMD slot is busted. I'd love to play Before Crisis, but that was a Japanese only mobile game that will never come to the West. Maybe I'll watch Last Order to tide me over until I can get my hands on Dirge of Cerberus. I'm going home this weekend, so I'll pick up my PS2 while I'm there. I wish I had home theatre console so that I run those analog signals into my digital-only HDTV. My living room TV doesn't have composite ports. If I had a home theatre console thing, I could run composite cables from my older game consoles into the input and then output using an HDMI cable to my TV. My dad said he'd try to get one for me, so we'll see how that turn out.
Well, that's all I wanted to talk about tonight. I need to find Major Crimes and make pizza pops in the microwave.
- K
Monday, 4 August 2014
[my name] and [girl I like's name] sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!
I think I have a thing for this chick at my workplace. She is 22 years old and sooooo cute. I've thought she's cute since I started working at the daycare where I'm at now. So March. But I haven't really started noticing her until somewhat recently. About a few weeks ago when I heard, in passing, that her and her boyfriend broke up. Then I started noticing her. Her voice, her hair, her body, her mannerisms, everything. At first it was her tits, of course. They're pretty goddamn big. And perfect. In fact, I spent some time sneaking some peeks down her somewhat low cut shirt when she bent over during my last shift. Yeah yeah, I'm a pig, I don't care. She looks super cuddly. Anyway, it was just physical attraction until today. I had a dream last night where her and I went on some dates and we got close. She said to me "What about your girlfriend?", to which I said "Oh to hell with her!" and then my alarm woke me up. Now I know dreams are more or less meaningless; they're just stories your brain cobbles together when information is broken down, moved, and reorganized during REM sleep so that the random sequences of memories activated somewhat makes sense. But ever since I woke up, I've been thinking about that dream. And about her. And how cute she is. And how I want to take her on a date and cuddle her, stroke her long, brown hair, kiss her cheeks, etc. Y'know, all that touchy-feely garbage that is so characteristic of fedora-wearing neckbeards on the internet.
Which brings me to my next point: even if I were in a position to make a move, which I am NOT, like AT ALL, I highly doubt she would even go for me. I'm not exactly the most attractive person out there and I know it. I'm a big, fat guy. I normally don't care much about my physical appearance, but this time I do. I got a big Randy-like cheeseburger belly, pair of bitch tits (though the term bitch tits is absolutely hilarious so it's not that bad) and a double chin. Years of stress eating have ravaged my body. But I'm eating healthier these days and getting some exercise, so I feel pretty good. Well, better than I did a year or two ago. Aside from the double chin, I do have a nice looking face. Straight teeth, blue eyes, warm smile, thick dirty blond hair. Not too bad. If I were thin, I'm certain I'd be a catch. But as I am now, I'm certainly not a catch. I mean, she's not what most guys would traditionally consider a 10/10, but that's what makes her so perfect. She's tall-ish, great smile, pretty eyes, not too thin, great tits and ass, beautiful long dark brown hair that she usually keeps in a messy bun, even her feet are cute. She's laid back, not bitchy and not hung up on unimportant bullshit like gossip and make-up and reality TV. She's playful, the kids love her, the staff love her. She's just really sweet and pretty and cute and cool. And here I am. Overweight as fuck, a social hermit, obsessed with food and gaming and TV. Just like every other pathetic loser on the internet. I'm like a stereotypical 4chan user, which I spent a lot of time on too. I'm not totally inept, though. I can turn on my charm and manners when I have to. Though I can be awkward as shit. But I am confident in my social skills for the most part. I have good posture, I smile and make eye contact. But I don't think this girl would ever go for me. She's too damn... perfect. Or maybe I'm overthinking that dream I had. Because overthinking is my speciality. She even games! Though from what I've gleaned thus far, she's mostly into shooters which I despise with a passion except for Halo. I have an almost encyclopedic knowledge base of Nintendo trivia and facts, but that level of obsessive dedication would probably just creep her out. And I know next to nothing about any game companies outside of Nintendo-related developers and publishers. I'll have to find out what else she plays the next time I go in. Though I never really know how to start a conversation with a person. Kinda suck at that. Guess I'll Google it.
I also have a girlfriend already. I love her, we have a lot of fun together, and we talk all the time. I'm also kind of relying on her for a place to stay here in the city. She's really laid back and accepting of my many many flaws and I can talk to her about literally anything. We had a conversation about this very dream this morning and she lol'd. She's pretty great, we like a lot of the same stuff, she's pretty (especially her face), she makes me smile just by being in the same room as me. But then there's work chicky that I'm crushing on right now. I swear, I don't think I've crushed on someone this hard since grade 11, which was... like 8 years ago. Like, I want to buy a binder just so I can write her name surrounded by hearts and shit. I don't know, maybe it's because she's new. The girlfriend and I have gotten into a routine lately, so things are kinda the same old same old. I guess the prospect of being with someone new and learning all about what kind of person she is is kind of exciting. Seeing what she's all about, what her hopes and dreams are, what she likes and dislikes, and y'know, havin' sex. But the number one urge I feel to do with her is cuddle and kiss. Heavy breathing, dimly lit room, some real soap opera shit. Sometimes I think about whether or not I'm actually capable of cheating on someone. Well, I did so once but I was like 14 so it doesn't count. On one hand, I feel like I'm very in tune to the emotions of those around me and I find empathy something easy to display. I'm very understanding and I know that being hurt is not a nice feeling. I can certainly feel bad for others, which alters my behaviour. On the other hand, I have VERY poor impulse control, am prone to just blocking my mind off and saying fuck it, and have a shaky moral compass. I'd be the guy to say "oh, just this one time and that's it" and then terrible things happen. I remember my girlfriend saying to me recently that if I ever cheated on her to never ever tell her about it under any circumstances and that I'd have to live with the guilt. But as I said, my moral compass is shaky at best and guilt isn't something that I've ever strongly felt in my life. I'm a smart person who overthinks everything, so I can rationalize just about anything to make it sound okay in my head. But who knows if I would keep the same attitude after something as serious as being with another woman. I'm not sure I'd be able to stop myself from hooking up if the right person and opportunity came along.
I could just become friends with her and maybe hang out, but I'm not sure I'd just leave it at that. Meh, knowing me, I'd be friendzoned immediately. I'm not her type. Probably, anyway. I start a new job next month, so my time at the daycare is going to be much more limited. I suppose I can just wait for this crush to blow over; they always do. But you know, a part of me wishes she could read this and know it's me and that I'm talking about her. I'm curious as to what her reaction might be. Not curious enough to warrant coming at her out of the blue and saying "hey, go to this link I wrote a blog post about u lolol", but I'm sure you have an idea of what I mean. I'd just like to take her out to a nice seafood dinner, walk her home, and give her a hug and a kiss goodnight, as euphoric as that sounds (note: I mean "euphoric" in the internet sense associated with fedora-wearing, borderline autistic, basement-dwelling atheist neckbeard bronies, not the version we use in the real world which denotes a great feeling of joy or ecstasy). The idea of being with this cutie is exciting, scary, intriguing and evokes some interesting feelings that have been dormant for a while. In the event that you do somehow stumble across this blog, hi Tiffany. I think you know exactly who this is. I'll be expecting a stern talking to, possibly a slap in the face followed by a very audible "EWWW!", and disgusted looks for the remainder of my time at the daycare with you.
Peace out, y'all!
- K
P.S.: I downloaded Mega Man Battle Network on Wii U Virtual Console and it is fucking awesome. I can't believe I didn't play this shit when it originally came out on GBA.
Which brings me to my next point: even if I were in a position to make a move, which I am NOT, like AT ALL, I highly doubt she would even go for me. I'm not exactly the most attractive person out there and I know it. I'm a big, fat guy. I normally don't care much about my physical appearance, but this time I do. I got a big Randy-like cheeseburger belly, pair of bitch tits (though the term bitch tits is absolutely hilarious so it's not that bad) and a double chin. Years of stress eating have ravaged my body. But I'm eating healthier these days and getting some exercise, so I feel pretty good. Well, better than I did a year or two ago. Aside from the double chin, I do have a nice looking face. Straight teeth, blue eyes, warm smile, thick dirty blond hair. Not too bad. If I were thin, I'm certain I'd be a catch. But as I am now, I'm certainly not a catch. I mean, she's not what most guys would traditionally consider a 10/10, but that's what makes her so perfect. She's tall-ish, great smile, pretty eyes, not too thin, great tits and ass, beautiful long dark brown hair that she usually keeps in a messy bun, even her feet are cute. She's laid back, not bitchy and not hung up on unimportant bullshit like gossip and make-up and reality TV. She's playful, the kids love her, the staff love her. She's just really sweet and pretty and cute and cool. And here I am. Overweight as fuck, a social hermit, obsessed with food and gaming and TV. Just like every other pathetic loser on the internet. I'm like a stereotypical 4chan user, which I spent a lot of time on too. I'm not totally inept, though. I can turn on my charm and manners when I have to. Though I can be awkward as shit. But I am confident in my social skills for the most part. I have good posture, I smile and make eye contact. But I don't think this girl would ever go for me. She's too damn... perfect. Or maybe I'm overthinking that dream I had. Because overthinking is my speciality. She even games! Though from what I've gleaned thus far, she's mostly into shooters which I despise with a passion except for Halo. I have an almost encyclopedic knowledge base of Nintendo trivia and facts, but that level of obsessive dedication would probably just creep her out. And I know next to nothing about any game companies outside of Nintendo-related developers and publishers. I'll have to find out what else she plays the next time I go in. Though I never really know how to start a conversation with a person. Kinda suck at that. Guess I'll Google it.
I also have a girlfriend already. I love her, we have a lot of fun together, and we talk all the time. I'm also kind of relying on her for a place to stay here in the city. She's really laid back and accepting of my many many flaws and I can talk to her about literally anything. We had a conversation about this very dream this morning and she lol'd. She's pretty great, we like a lot of the same stuff, she's pretty (especially her face), she makes me smile just by being in the same room as me. But then there's work chicky that I'm crushing on right now. I swear, I don't think I've crushed on someone this hard since grade 11, which was... like 8 years ago. Like, I want to buy a binder just so I can write her name surrounded by hearts and shit. I don't know, maybe it's because she's new. The girlfriend and I have gotten into a routine lately, so things are kinda the same old same old. I guess the prospect of being with someone new and learning all about what kind of person she is is kind of exciting. Seeing what she's all about, what her hopes and dreams are, what she likes and dislikes, and y'know, havin' sex. But the number one urge I feel to do with her is cuddle and kiss. Heavy breathing, dimly lit room, some real soap opera shit. Sometimes I think about whether or not I'm actually capable of cheating on someone. Well, I did so once but I was like 14 so it doesn't count. On one hand, I feel like I'm very in tune to the emotions of those around me and I find empathy something easy to display. I'm very understanding and I know that being hurt is not a nice feeling. I can certainly feel bad for others, which alters my behaviour. On the other hand, I have VERY poor impulse control, am prone to just blocking my mind off and saying fuck it, and have a shaky moral compass. I'd be the guy to say "oh, just this one time and that's it" and then terrible things happen. I remember my girlfriend saying to me recently that if I ever cheated on her to never ever tell her about it under any circumstances and that I'd have to live with the guilt. But as I said, my moral compass is shaky at best and guilt isn't something that I've ever strongly felt in my life. I'm a smart person who overthinks everything, so I can rationalize just about anything to make it sound okay in my head. But who knows if I would keep the same attitude after something as serious as being with another woman. I'm not sure I'd be able to stop myself from hooking up if the right person and opportunity came along.
I could just become friends with her and maybe hang out, but I'm not sure I'd just leave it at that. Meh, knowing me, I'd be friendzoned immediately. I'm not her type. Probably, anyway. I start a new job next month, so my time at the daycare is going to be much more limited. I suppose I can just wait for this crush to blow over; they always do. But you know, a part of me wishes she could read this and know it's me and that I'm talking about her. I'm curious as to what her reaction might be. Not curious enough to warrant coming at her out of the blue and saying "hey, go to this link I wrote a blog post about u lolol", but I'm sure you have an idea of what I mean. I'd just like to take her out to a nice seafood dinner, walk her home, and give her a hug and a kiss goodnight, as euphoric as that sounds (note: I mean "euphoric" in the internet sense associated with fedora-wearing, borderline autistic, basement-dwelling atheist neckbeard bronies, not the version we use in the real world which denotes a great feeling of joy or ecstasy). The idea of being with this cutie is exciting, scary, intriguing and evokes some interesting feelings that have been dormant for a while. In the event that you do somehow stumble across this blog, hi Tiffany. I think you know exactly who this is. I'll be expecting a stern talking to, possibly a slap in the face followed by a very audible "EWWW!", and disgusted looks for the remainder of my time at the daycare with you.
Peace out, y'all!
- K
P.S.: I downloaded Mega Man Battle Network on Wii U Virtual Console and it is fucking awesome. I can't believe I didn't play this shit when it originally came out on GBA.
Thursday, 10 April 2014
Why can't I grow a beard?
I think about a lot of things these days. Like why can't I find work, despite sending out a thousand resumés per week? Yeah, I know I need to set the bar lower and apply for retail and fats food ones, but 1) I can't get past this feeling of being "above" that kind of work, and 2) I have crippling social phobia that gets me so nervous that I vomit at the thought of interacting with complete strangers who are better than me (and let's face it: if I'm working retail or fast food, they are). I just get the feeling that I'm constantly being judged, even though I know that that isn't the case. I'm a bubbling crackpot of fear, anxiety, and self-loathing. I don't even understand why I don't get call backs for CSA jobs at call centres, despite the fact that I have on and a half years experience in call centres when most of these jobs say no experience required. Plus I'm trying to get a start on my professional development. I have a part-time on-call gig at a local daycare, but I only get called in like once a week. I have bills to pay, goddammit, and my leftover student loan pot is almost non-existent now. Like, maybe $450 left. I have something potentially in the works at a university being a research assistant, but again, that's based upon whether or not the professor organizing the study is willing to give me a shot. And knowing my luck, it won't pan out. And it's a weekend only deal. Even combined with my daycare job, I'd get a max of maybe 24 hours per week, assuming I get called in to the daycare once a week and work both Saturday and Sunday at the university. Minimum wage, of course. I can't live off of that. I'm gonna end up having to move back home with ma and pa in the middle of buttfuck nowhere where the job market doesn't exist. I fucking hate this shit. I just feel like digging up address information for that asshole who picked on me in high school, blowing my brains out all over his front porch, and blaming him in my suicide note so I could at least end it all with the satisfaction that I ruined somebody's life on my way out. If I got lucky, maybe he'd kill himself too and I'd effectively drag him down to hell with me. Yeah, yeah, first world problems. Just like the junk that CBC News always posts on their social media, I don't give a SHIT. I spend my days sending out resumés, waiting for phone calls that don't come, and browsing /v/ and /b/ on 4chan. Just fucking kill me now, this is no life.
But onto the actual reason I began this post. Another thing I think about fairly often is why the fuck can't I grow a beard? I'm 25 goddamn years old and there are 7th graders out there who outdo me in facial hair. Maybe God wants me to be the stereotypical neckbeard. I overeat and as such am a fatass, I love video gaming and sort of kind of like anime I guess, and of course, I can only grow a patchy neckbeard. I Google people with similar problems, but the answers are all the same: give it time, it'll come in. Of course, most people complaining about no beard on the internet are 17 year old kids who think they're adults. I'm at two or three weeks of not shaving and believe-you-me, it's pretty horrendous. The only amount of hair I grow is on my neck and the bottom of my chin, although not in the middle of the bottom of my chin. There's a relatively hair-free gap there. And it's patchy like hell. You can totally see the outline of my face no problem. Practically nothing grows on my cheeks, I get a couple scraggly hairs where sideburns would be on a normal man, and my "moustache" is whispy and like something you might see on Michael Cera. Except he grows a fuller moustache than I do. Go ahead, Google him. What he has is better than mine. My moustache is blond, so you can barely see it, and has a hair-free gap in the indentation in the middle. Of course, there are no connectors from my "moustache" to my "beard". No soul patch either. A little bit of peach fuzz, that's it. Also, there's a huge bald spot right under my chin. Like a hole in the forest of neckbeard. It's super weird because although my hair colour is a light brown, my moustache is blond and my neckbeard is like a reddish brown. A friend of mine from back home (well, my only friend from back home) has an epic goatee that he's had since 11th grade. It's big and bushy and super manly looking. Even the guys I used to hang out in high school who had the same problems growing facial hair as me now all have full, bushy beards. My uncles all have beards. On both sides of my family. I want to grow a beard by the time I go bald, and it WILL happen. In my entire extended family, not one full head of hair. My old man started balding when he was around 27, though it took him until he was nearly 50 to get the back of the head bald spot. Up till then it was a continuously receding hairline. He can't really grow a full beard either, but his stubble looks good on him. I don't even have a normal stubble phase. It goes from baby face straight to neckbeard. The only redeeming factor for balding is an epic beard, otherwise you look like a weenie. And it's looking like that won't happen. A fat bald guy with no beard is just sad. What is it with neckbeards and fat nerds? I want to give it maybe another couple weeks, though I don't see it getting any better. I feel compelling to just shave it all off now. Neckbeards and working with kids don't really go together, anyway.
I was gonna end it there, but I have more in me. But trust me, it's gonna be the most retarded thing to bitch about ever. I shouldn't even be thinking of something so unbelievably retarded, given my current social and financial situation but whatever. This blog (seriously, "blog" isn't considered a word by Google on their blogging platform?) is more for me to get things out anyway. K, so here goes.
For the past couple months or so, I've been super curious about trying marijuana. I know, drugs are bad, they'll mess me up, I got that spiel from my parents when I was a kid. I have no idea why I want to try it. Maybe it's because I'm riddled with anxiety and weed supposedly chills you out. But I doubt it. If I wanted to chill out, I'd just drink more. But drinking is expensive and it's kind of boring sometimes. And waking up hungover SUCKS. Or maybe I'd start smoking cigs. Of course, that's so fucking retarded I don't even know why I mentioned it. It damages your lungs, which is a no-no for me as my lungs are already scarred from a childhood bout of pneumonia, it's so addictive that you can't function without it, it's expensive, it ages your skin, yellows your teeth, gives you cancer, all that good stuff. I guess weed does all that too, but I certainly wouldn't smoke it. I'd totally make some cannabutter and bake delicious brownies. Mr. Landlord is 420 friendly with his tenants, so that's no biggie. Of course, weed can be expensive but I'm not interested in buying it regularly. Just want to try it out for kicks. Only $10 for a gram around here from what I've gleaned from the internet. I think I could justify that. But there are other concerns. Weed is well documented in academic literature for promoting anxiety, paranoia, and panic attacks in some populations. In people with a genetic vulnerability to develop schizophrenia, weed can actually trigger its onset. But I have no family history of schizophrenia. I do have moderate to severe anxiety problems and depression and bipolar disorder do run in the family. So wouldn't weed totally exacerbate those problems? I've heard some people online say it's all about your mindset going in. Who knows, that's kind of what I wanna test.
So we've established that I'd like to try marijuana. But that brings us to our next obstacle: how the hell do I get my hands on some?? Weed is illegal here in Canada and although they say isn't really enforced where I am, I still don't want to take the risk of getting arrested. I don't have a criminal record. If I did, it would probably screw me out of my career goals. Sure, you may think "hey it's just a weed charge, everybody does weed so what's the big deal?" But a criminal record is a criminal record. I did read that the government is looking to instil a system of fines to replace possession charges but who knows if that will ever happen? The Canadian government seems to be going backwards with marijuana laws, what with Harper intensifying the war on drugs with increased minimum sentencing for marijuana related offences. I don't have any friends here so I can't get a hook up that way. My girlfriend is a straight arrow like me, so she doesn't know anybody. My high school friends back home who smoked pot back then don't do it any more last time I spoke to them. I haven't spoken to them in a few years anyway, so it'd be an awkward conversation. I have one friend from back home that I still talk to regularly but he never got into pot. He knows people who do, but he doesn't feel comfortable asking them to hook me up so that's out. Now, I never tried any weed in university. "Holy shit!", you may be thinking. "How can you go to university and NOT do drugs?? It's part of the experience!" Well, as I've said, I have social anxiety problems. I have problems meeting new people. The few friends I did make were high achieving bookworms/nerds like me. They never touched the stuff as far as I know. Never came up. I never left my dorm room all that much either. Only to eat at Meal Hall, go to class/library/something school related, and occasionally to the pub on wing night for a beer and wings with friends. My free time was usually spent playing Nintendo, watching movies, and school work. So I never made any weed connections in university. My brother goes to university here in the city and I've jokingly asked him to hook me up with his pot smoking friends, of which he has many, but he didn't even answer like I made a joke. He gave me a super serious "NO!" He's an academic whiz like I am, even more so. Top of his class in everything, average in the 90s, tons of professional connections, everyone loves him: both students and faculty. He's super serious about his studies and would never touch drugs. I tell ya, he's got a bright future ahead of him and I'm super proud of him. But I just can't get connections from him. Nor should he want to help his lazy, loser brother acquire drugs. Anyway, so none from friend (singular) or brother. My extended family and my immediately are estranged and ignore one another for years at a time, so that's a no go. They all prefer alcoholism anyway. So that leaves my only option: go out and meet people, as it's taboo to ask for hook ups on weed forums as it puts the site at risk. But I can't just go out and meet people. How creepy is that, going around asking people for weed? You'd either like a narc or end up asking an undercover cop. I believe there are undercover cops looking for pot smokers, too. It's in the provincial news all the time that cops are constantly busting marijuana growing operations and sending the growers to jail. How do you think they find the grow ops? They go undercover and move from users to dealers to suppliers. That's why you'd look like a narc just asking for it, too. WeBeHigh.org states that weed is everywhere in this city. But how do you even find it? Making friends is just too hard for me and knowing my luck, if I were to make a friend, they'd be a non-smoker who'd get offended if I asked. Now, I know there's a head shop here in town and I've been in it once just see what it was like as I have never been in one prior to then. I felt super awkward and out of place so I got out of there. I don't have the right attire for a head shop patron anyway. I have a lot of button up shirts and pull-over sweaters that go over button up shirts. I have flip flops and a couple hoodies, so maybe that would suffice. Though, that's assuming I'd be going there to find a hook up which is only the stupidest idea ever. Puts the store at risk, makes you look like a narc, etc., etc. I guess I'm destined never to try weed. Oh well, it's interesting to read about anyway. The papers and research on marijuana and its effects will have to suffice for actually trying it.
That's it for now.
- K
But onto the actual reason I began this post. Another thing I think about fairly often is why the fuck can't I grow a beard? I'm 25 goddamn years old and there are 7th graders out there who outdo me in facial hair. Maybe God wants me to be the stereotypical neckbeard. I overeat and as such am a fatass, I love video gaming and sort of kind of like anime I guess, and of course, I can only grow a patchy neckbeard. I Google people with similar problems, but the answers are all the same: give it time, it'll come in. Of course, most people complaining about no beard on the internet are 17 year old kids who think they're adults. I'm at two or three weeks of not shaving and believe-you-me, it's pretty horrendous. The only amount of hair I grow is on my neck and the bottom of my chin, although not in the middle of the bottom of my chin. There's a relatively hair-free gap there. And it's patchy like hell. You can totally see the outline of my face no problem. Practically nothing grows on my cheeks, I get a couple scraggly hairs where sideburns would be on a normal man, and my "moustache" is whispy and like something you might see on Michael Cera. Except he grows a fuller moustache than I do. Go ahead, Google him. What he has is better than mine. My moustache is blond, so you can barely see it, and has a hair-free gap in the indentation in the middle. Of course, there are no connectors from my "moustache" to my "beard". No soul patch either. A little bit of peach fuzz, that's it. Also, there's a huge bald spot right under my chin. Like a hole in the forest of neckbeard. It's super weird because although my hair colour is a light brown, my moustache is blond and my neckbeard is like a reddish brown. A friend of mine from back home (well, my only friend from back home) has an epic goatee that he's had since 11th grade. It's big and bushy and super manly looking. Even the guys I used to hang out in high school who had the same problems growing facial hair as me now all have full, bushy beards. My uncles all have beards. On both sides of my family. I want to grow a beard by the time I go bald, and it WILL happen. In my entire extended family, not one full head of hair. My old man started balding when he was around 27, though it took him until he was nearly 50 to get the back of the head bald spot. Up till then it was a continuously receding hairline. He can't really grow a full beard either, but his stubble looks good on him. I don't even have a normal stubble phase. It goes from baby face straight to neckbeard. The only redeeming factor for balding is an epic beard, otherwise you look like a weenie. And it's looking like that won't happen. A fat bald guy with no beard is just sad. What is it with neckbeards and fat nerds? I want to give it maybe another couple weeks, though I don't see it getting any better. I feel compelling to just shave it all off now. Neckbeards and working with kids don't really go together, anyway.
I was gonna end it there, but I have more in me. But trust me, it's gonna be the most retarded thing to bitch about ever. I shouldn't even be thinking of something so unbelievably retarded, given my current social and financial situation but whatever. This blog (seriously, "blog" isn't considered a word by Google on their blogging platform?) is more for me to get things out anyway. K, so here goes.
For the past couple months or so, I've been super curious about trying marijuana. I know, drugs are bad, they'll mess me up, I got that spiel from my parents when I was a kid. I have no idea why I want to try it. Maybe it's because I'm riddled with anxiety and weed supposedly chills you out. But I doubt it. If I wanted to chill out, I'd just drink more. But drinking is expensive and it's kind of boring sometimes. And waking up hungover SUCKS. Or maybe I'd start smoking cigs. Of course, that's so fucking retarded I don't even know why I mentioned it. It damages your lungs, which is a no-no for me as my lungs are already scarred from a childhood bout of pneumonia, it's so addictive that you can't function without it, it's expensive, it ages your skin, yellows your teeth, gives you cancer, all that good stuff. I guess weed does all that too, but I certainly wouldn't smoke it. I'd totally make some cannabutter and bake delicious brownies. Mr. Landlord is 420 friendly with his tenants, so that's no biggie. Of course, weed can be expensive but I'm not interested in buying it regularly. Just want to try it out for kicks. Only $10 for a gram around here from what I've gleaned from the internet. I think I could justify that. But there are other concerns. Weed is well documented in academic literature for promoting anxiety, paranoia, and panic attacks in some populations. In people with a genetic vulnerability to develop schizophrenia, weed can actually trigger its onset. But I have no family history of schizophrenia. I do have moderate to severe anxiety problems and depression and bipolar disorder do run in the family. So wouldn't weed totally exacerbate those problems? I've heard some people online say it's all about your mindset going in. Who knows, that's kind of what I wanna test.
So we've established that I'd like to try marijuana. But that brings us to our next obstacle: how the hell do I get my hands on some?? Weed is illegal here in Canada and although they say isn't really enforced where I am, I still don't want to take the risk of getting arrested. I don't have a criminal record. If I did, it would probably screw me out of my career goals. Sure, you may think "hey it's just a weed charge, everybody does weed so what's the big deal?" But a criminal record is a criminal record. I did read that the government is looking to instil a system of fines to replace possession charges but who knows if that will ever happen? The Canadian government seems to be going backwards with marijuana laws, what with Harper intensifying the war on drugs with increased minimum sentencing for marijuana related offences. I don't have any friends here so I can't get a hook up that way. My girlfriend is a straight arrow like me, so she doesn't know anybody. My high school friends back home who smoked pot back then don't do it any more last time I spoke to them. I haven't spoken to them in a few years anyway, so it'd be an awkward conversation. I have one friend from back home that I still talk to regularly but he never got into pot. He knows people who do, but he doesn't feel comfortable asking them to hook me up so that's out. Now, I never tried any weed in university. "Holy shit!", you may be thinking. "How can you go to university and NOT do drugs?? It's part of the experience!" Well, as I've said, I have social anxiety problems. I have problems meeting new people. The few friends I did make were high achieving bookworms/nerds like me. They never touched the stuff as far as I know. Never came up. I never left my dorm room all that much either. Only to eat at Meal Hall, go to class/library/something school related, and occasionally to the pub on wing night for a beer and wings with friends. My free time was usually spent playing Nintendo, watching movies, and school work. So I never made any weed connections in university. My brother goes to university here in the city and I've jokingly asked him to hook me up with his pot smoking friends, of which he has many, but he didn't even answer like I made a joke. He gave me a super serious "NO!" He's an academic whiz like I am, even more so. Top of his class in everything, average in the 90s, tons of professional connections, everyone loves him: both students and faculty. He's super serious about his studies and would never touch drugs. I tell ya, he's got a bright future ahead of him and I'm super proud of him. But I just can't get connections from him. Nor should he want to help his lazy, loser brother acquire drugs. Anyway, so none from friend (singular) or brother. My extended family and my immediately are estranged and ignore one another for years at a time, so that's a no go. They all prefer alcoholism anyway. So that leaves my only option: go out and meet people, as it's taboo to ask for hook ups on weed forums as it puts the site at risk. But I can't just go out and meet people. How creepy is that, going around asking people for weed? You'd either like a narc or end up asking an undercover cop. I believe there are undercover cops looking for pot smokers, too. It's in the provincial news all the time that cops are constantly busting marijuana growing operations and sending the growers to jail. How do you think they find the grow ops? They go undercover and move from users to dealers to suppliers. That's why you'd look like a narc just asking for it, too. WeBeHigh.org states that weed is everywhere in this city. But how do you even find it? Making friends is just too hard for me and knowing my luck, if I were to make a friend, they'd be a non-smoker who'd get offended if I asked. Now, I know there's a head shop here in town and I've been in it once just see what it was like as I have never been in one prior to then. I felt super awkward and out of place so I got out of there. I don't have the right attire for a head shop patron anyway. I have a lot of button up shirts and pull-over sweaters that go over button up shirts. I have flip flops and a couple hoodies, so maybe that would suffice. Though, that's assuming I'd be going there to find a hook up which is only the stupidest idea ever. Puts the store at risk, makes you look like a narc, etc., etc. I guess I'm destined never to try weed. Oh well, it's interesting to read about anyway. The papers and research on marijuana and its effects will have to suffice for actually trying it.
That's it for now.
- K
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