I think about a lot of things these days. Like why can't I find work, despite sending out a thousand resumés per week? Yeah, I know I need to set the bar lower and apply for retail and fats food ones, but 1) I can't get past this feeling of being "above" that kind of work, and 2) I have crippling social phobia that gets me so nervous that I vomit at the thought of interacting with complete strangers who are better than me (and let's face it: if I'm working retail or fast food, they are). I just get the feeling that I'm constantly being judged, even though I know that that isn't the case. I'm a bubbling crackpot of fear, anxiety, and self-loathing. I don't even understand why I don't get call backs for CSA jobs at call centres, despite the fact that I have on and a half years experience in call centres when most of these jobs say no experience required. Plus I'm trying to get a start on my professional development. I have a part-time on-call gig at a local daycare, but I only get called in like once a week. I have bills to pay, goddammit, and my leftover student loan pot is almost non-existent now. Like, maybe $450 left. I have something potentially in the works at a university being a research assistant, but again, that's based upon whether or not the professor organizing the study is willing to give me a shot. And knowing my luck, it won't pan out. And it's a weekend only deal. Even combined with my daycare job, I'd get a max of maybe 24 hours per week, assuming I get called in to the daycare once a week and work both Saturday and Sunday at the university. Minimum wage, of course. I can't live off of that. I'm gonna end up having to move back home with ma and pa in the middle of buttfuck nowhere where the job market doesn't exist. I fucking hate this shit. I just feel like digging up address information for that asshole who picked on me in high school, blowing my brains out all over his front porch, and blaming him in my suicide note so I could at least end it all with the satisfaction that I ruined somebody's life on my way out. If I got lucky, maybe he'd kill himself too and I'd effectively drag him down to hell with me. Yeah, yeah, first world problems. Just like the junk that CBC News always posts on their social media, I don't give a SHIT. I spend my days sending out resumés, waiting for phone calls that don't come, and browsing /v/ and /b/ on 4chan. Just fucking kill me now, this is no life.
But onto the actual reason I began this post. Another thing I think about fairly often is why the fuck can't I grow a beard? I'm 25 goddamn years old and there are 7th graders out there who outdo me in facial hair. Maybe God wants me to be the stereotypical neckbeard. I overeat and as such am a fatass, I love video gaming and sort of kind of like anime I guess, and of course, I can only grow a patchy neckbeard. I Google people with similar problems, but the answers are all the same: give it time, it'll come in. Of course, most people complaining about no beard on the internet are 17 year old kids who think they're adults. I'm at two or three weeks of not shaving and believe-you-me, it's pretty horrendous. The only amount of hair I grow is on my neck and the bottom of my chin, although not in the middle of the bottom of my chin. There's a relatively hair-free gap there. And it's patchy like hell. You can totally see the outline of my face no problem. Practically nothing grows on my cheeks, I get a couple scraggly hairs where sideburns would be on a normal man, and my "moustache" is whispy and like something you might see on Michael Cera. Except he grows a fuller moustache than I do. Go ahead, Google him. What he has is better than mine. My moustache is blond, so you can barely see it, and has a hair-free gap in the indentation in the middle. Of course, there are no connectors from my "moustache" to my "beard". No soul patch either. A little bit of peach fuzz, that's it. Also, there's a huge bald spot right under my chin. Like a hole in the forest of neckbeard. It's super weird because although my hair colour is a light brown, my moustache is blond and my neckbeard is like a reddish brown. A friend of mine from back home (well, my only friend from back home) has an epic goatee that he's had since 11th grade. It's big and bushy and super manly looking. Even the guys I used to hang out in high school who had the same problems growing facial hair as me now all have full, bushy beards. My uncles all have beards. On both sides of my family. I want to grow a beard by the time I go bald, and it WILL happen. In my entire extended family, not one full head of hair. My old man started balding when he was around 27, though it took him until he was nearly 50 to get the back of the head bald spot. Up till then it was a continuously receding hairline. He can't really grow a full beard either, but his stubble looks good on him. I don't even have a normal stubble phase. It goes from baby face straight to neckbeard. The only redeeming factor for balding is an epic beard, otherwise you look like a weenie. And it's looking like that won't happen. A fat bald guy with no beard is just sad. What is it with neckbeards and fat nerds? I want to give it maybe another couple weeks, though I don't see it getting any better. I feel compelling to just shave it all off now. Neckbeards and working with kids don't really go together, anyway.
I was gonna end it there, but I have more in me. But trust me, it's gonna be the most retarded thing to bitch about ever. I shouldn't even be thinking of something so unbelievably retarded, given my current social and financial situation but whatever. This blog (seriously, "blog" isn't considered a word by Google on their blogging platform?) is more for me to get things out anyway. K, so here goes.
For the past couple months or so, I've been super curious about trying marijuana. I know, drugs are bad, they'll mess me up, I got that spiel from my parents when I was a kid. I have no idea why I want to try it. Maybe it's because I'm riddled with anxiety and weed supposedly chills you out. But I doubt it. If I wanted to chill out, I'd just drink more. But drinking is expensive and it's kind of boring sometimes. And waking up hungover SUCKS. Or maybe I'd start smoking cigs. Of course, that's so fucking retarded I don't even know why I mentioned it. It damages your lungs, which is a no-no for me as my lungs are already scarred from a childhood bout of pneumonia, it's so addictive that you can't function without it, it's expensive, it ages your skin, yellows your teeth, gives you cancer, all that good stuff. I guess weed does all that too, but I certainly wouldn't smoke it. I'd totally make some cannabutter and bake delicious brownies. Mr. Landlord is 420 friendly with his tenants, so that's no biggie. Of course, weed can be expensive but I'm not interested in buying it regularly. Just want to try it out for kicks. Only $10 for a gram around here from what I've gleaned from the internet. I think I could justify that. But there are other concerns. Weed is well documented in academic literature for promoting anxiety, paranoia, and panic attacks in some populations. In people with a genetic vulnerability to develop schizophrenia, weed can actually trigger its onset. But I have no family history of schizophrenia. I do have moderate to severe anxiety problems and depression and bipolar disorder do run in the family. So wouldn't weed totally exacerbate those problems? I've heard some people online say it's all about your mindset going in. Who knows, that's kind of what I wanna test.
So we've established that I'd like to try marijuana. But that brings us to our next obstacle: how the hell do I get my hands on some?? Weed is illegal here in Canada and although they say isn't really enforced where I am, I still don't want to take the risk of getting arrested. I don't have a criminal record. If I did, it would probably screw me out of my career goals. Sure, you may think "hey it's just a weed charge, everybody does weed so what's the big deal?" But a criminal record is a criminal record. I did read that the government is looking to instil a system of fines to replace possession charges but who knows if that will ever happen? The Canadian government seems to be going backwards with marijuana laws, what with Harper intensifying the war on drugs with increased minimum sentencing for marijuana related offences. I don't have any friends here so I can't get a hook up that way. My girlfriend is a straight arrow like me, so she doesn't know anybody. My high school friends back home who smoked pot back then don't do it any more last time I spoke to them. I haven't spoken to them in a few years anyway, so it'd be an awkward conversation. I have one friend from back home that I still talk to regularly but he never got into pot. He knows people who do, but he doesn't feel comfortable asking them to hook me up so that's out. Now, I never tried any weed in university. "Holy shit!", you may be thinking. "How can you go to university and NOT do drugs?? It's part of the experience!" Well, as I've said, I have social anxiety problems. I have problems meeting new people. The few friends I did make were high achieving bookworms/nerds like me. They never touched the stuff as far as I know. Never came up. I never left my dorm room all that much either. Only to eat at Meal Hall, go to class/library/something school related, and occasionally to the pub on wing night for a beer and wings with friends. My free time was usually spent playing Nintendo, watching movies, and school work. So I never made any weed connections in university. My brother goes to university here in the city and I've jokingly asked him to hook me up with his pot smoking friends, of which he has many, but he didn't even answer like I made a joke. He gave me a super serious "NO!" He's an academic whiz like I am, even more so. Top of his class in everything, average in the 90s, tons of professional connections, everyone loves him: both students and faculty. He's super serious about his studies and would never touch drugs. I tell ya, he's got a bright future ahead of him and I'm super proud of him. But I just can't get connections from him. Nor should he want to help his lazy, loser brother acquire drugs. Anyway, so none from friend (singular) or brother. My extended family and my immediately are estranged and ignore one another for years at a time, so that's a no go. They all prefer alcoholism anyway. So that leaves my only option: go out and meet people, as it's taboo to ask for hook ups on weed forums as it puts the site at risk. But I can't just go out and meet people. How creepy is that, going around asking people for weed? You'd either like a narc or end up asking an undercover cop. I believe there are undercover cops looking for pot smokers, too. It's in the provincial news all the time that cops are constantly busting marijuana growing operations and sending the growers to jail. How do you think they find the grow ops? They go undercover and move from users to dealers to suppliers. That's why you'd look like a narc just asking for it, too. WeBeHigh.org states that weed is everywhere in this city. But how do you even find it? Making friends is just too hard for me and knowing my luck, if I were to make a friend, they'd be a non-smoker who'd get offended if I asked. Now, I know there's a head shop here in town and I've been in it once just see what it was like as I have never been in one prior to then. I felt super awkward and out of place so I got out of there. I don't have the right attire for a head shop patron anyway. I have a lot of button up shirts and pull-over sweaters that go over button up shirts. I have flip flops and a couple hoodies, so maybe that would suffice. Though, that's assuming I'd be going there to find a hook up which is only the stupidest idea ever. Puts the store at risk, makes you look like a narc, etc., etc. I guess I'm destined never to try weed. Oh well, it's interesting to read about anyway. The papers and research on marijuana and its effects will have to suffice for actually trying it.
That's it for now.
- K
